6 Years

 This summer marks 6 years since I came out. Since I stared HRT, surgery, and other transitions. I cold not have imagined how far I wold come, how far transitioning would transport me in myself and my life. I’m incredibly lucky to have the support of my friends and family. 

Dreaming the boy to life

When I was a child, every night I fell asleep with the same prayer on my lips.

Dear God, 
Please make me a boy.

My prayers to be a boy were a constant when I was little, as regular to me as praying that the devil would not take me in my sleep. As I got older I would vary this a bit, with a few, "if it is your will" and suches, but I never woke up in the morning as a boy. As I got older I would try to modify my body, pushing and pulling at it to find the boy inside. That didn't work either. The best I could do was pretend, and when I was very good at it, I could "pass" as a boy at the playground or any new setting if I used my fake name "Sean." Rolled up sock in my underwear, wearing my brother's hand-me-downs.

In a few days I will be coming out to my closest family, and then that will be followed by me coming out to facebook and then work. If my prayers had been answered sooner, this coming out would not really be necessary. I would just be who I am, and everyone would already know me for it. 

So that isn't how it is, and this summer will mark me coming out to everyone I have in my life...daunting. I cant help but feel though, because it is happening i am answering the prayers of that little kid so long ago who wanted to wake up as a boy. We will do it now kid. Together. I hope we are brave enough together to weather the storm of what that means, but we have a lot of love and support.

I think we are ready.

He

I was at a support group meeting a few weeks ago and decided that I would say my pronouns were masculine. I was just trying to experiment. I was surprised by how empowering it was to hear people call me "he" and "him."  Have you thought about your pronouns lately? What if someone called you by something that didn't fit? Sometimes this happens by accident, or because they don't know how you identify. Sometimes it's an act of aggression, bullying.

Most of the time, outside of my support group I'm a "she," but that has stopped feeling right to me. Like when I decided to change my name, hearing "she" feels jarring...wrong, as wrong as my old name used to feel, and still feels when I hear it.  It's a knee jerk..."not me" feeling. Even though "she" stopped feeling right, I didn't know until I heard someone say "he" and "him" what did feel right. It feels just, congruous.

a :  being in agreement, harmony, or correspondence

b :  conforming to the circumstances or requirements of a situation : appropriate <a congruous room to work in — G. B. Shaw>

2

:  marked or enhanced by harmonious agreement among constituent elements <a congruous theme>

— con·gru·ous·ly adverb

— con·gru·ous·ness noun

It's not Mother's Day for everyone

There have been tons of emails and advertisements for the past 2 or 3 weeks about mothers days. It's fascinating to me how many ads, reminders, sales, etc,

If you have a mom, a mom that you love, do you need this volume of reminders?

I don't have a mom that I love. I don't have a mom who loves me, either. I have a toxic person who abused her kids for years. Then her husband left her, and we were responsible for helping her hold it together.  We did this for years, but then she broke me again. She broke us all. And I left for good.

Those words.
I
Left
For
Good.

It means forever...but also for good. For my own good.

It's hard seeing people enjoying Mother's Day with their mothers, but not because I want one. I don't. but I don't know how others can have a good mom. I mean, I know it's possible, because my wife has a great mom.  Man my wife is a great mom, too. I know a lot of great moms, actually.

But I still have this hang up regarding adult moms.

Still, happy Mother's Day.
If applicable.

Boy at birth

If we are lucky, we have stories about ourselves as kids. I didn't have a wonderful childhood, but I did not have the worst. I, at least, had parents who needed to think that we were a normal family and that's why I know the story I am going to share.

I was a surprise baby: conceived while my mother had an IUD in, and born just 14 short months after my brother was born.
Yeah...you can do the math. I was not planned.

But, my mother had so recently had a baby, that my birth was fast. I was before the age of ultrasounds, when all sexing of kids happened at the birth. When the doctor held me up to my mother, my umbilical cord was hanging between my lags, and my mother, who is nearsighted, had her glasses off. She exclaimed, "Oh, another boy!" The dr quickly corrected her but this story sticks with me. Through my life, I would present as a boy, sometimes to my pleasure, sometimes to my shame. I think it's funny that one of the main shame-bringers for my presentation was the first person to see it.

"oh! Another Boy!"
"Sorry Ma'am. It's a girl."

Solsbury Hill. My Anthem. "I will show another me"

My anthem is this song by Peter Gabriel. I find it so fitting to my trans* experience that I've googled it to see if others have cited it as their trans* anthem.  So far, it's not been the case. I'm posting it here, mostly without analysis or comment.  I will return to parts of this song from time to time to address they ways in which it resonates with me. 

Solsbury Hill 

Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
I just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom
"Son," he said "Grab your things,
I've come to take you home. "

To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Tho' my life was in a rut
"Till I thought of what I'd say
Which connection I should cut
I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom boom boom
"Hey" he said "Grab your things
I've come to take you home. "
(Back home.)

When illusion spin her net
I'm never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free
Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me
Today I don't need a replacement
I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom boom boom
"Hey" I said "You can keep my things,
They've come to take me home. "


http://petergabriel.com/video/peter-gabriel-solsbury-hill/

Rights

“It takes no compromise to give people their rights...it takes no money to respect the individual. It takes no political deal to give people freedom. It takes no survey to remove repression.”
― Harvey Milk

Today is an important day.

SCOTUS is hearing arguments on 4 marriage equality cases today. It's a day that could change the face of marriage equality in the US.

Marriage equality is an important issue to me. We have it in our state now and that changed lives for many people I knew, including mine and my wife's and my son's. It means a lot to our family to have the right to marry, and to be able to be visible legally on documents, in hospitals and banks, and in my place of work. Not too long ago, we were denied this right.

So SCOTUS is on my mind today as the listen to the arguments and try to decide what is fair and constitutional.

My mind is also with the people in Baltimore who are rioting against police brutality and institutionalized racism. Although I stand with my LGBT family on the importance of marriage equality, I am torn by the pull of the violence in Baltimore. Protests like this seem to bring the worst out of some people who generalize all people of color as violent, and who see no justification for the violence.

I am a pacifist.
I do not see a need for violence in my personal life and I would not knowingly support violence or participate in it. That said, I am human, and humans often use violence to resolve conflict, be seen, heard, understood. Violence is sometimes the only option a people has to achieve a voice in an argument or dispute. Police brutality is, in itself, a very violent act. Coming from the place of a "community helper" this is even more problematic. There is no one you can trust. How does one rise above this? When black lives do not matter to people in power, they are lost needlessly. How do you make your lives matter? Sometimes the only option is to riot. make noise. commit violent acts.

A lot of people will condemn the people in Baltimore for letting the protests turn violent, but I will not. When you push, jab, silence and devalue people long enough and then you kill one their people, it's unlikely that the people will turn the other cheek. In fact, that cheek is also already injured.

So today it's not only marriage equality. It's equality in general. And peace.

“All men are created equal. Now matter how hard they try, they can never erase those words. That is what America is about.”
― Harvey Milk, The Harvey Milk Interviews: In His Own Words