Solsbury Hill. My Anthem. "I will show another me"

My anthem is this song by Peter Gabriel. I find it so fitting to my trans* experience that I've googled it to see if others have cited it as their trans* anthem.  So far, it's not been the case. I'm posting it here, mostly without analysis or comment.  I will return to parts of this song from time to time to address they ways in which it resonates with me. 

Solsbury Hill 

Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
I just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom
"Son," he said "Grab your things,
I've come to take you home. "

To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Tho' my life was in a rut
"Till I thought of what I'd say
Which connection I should cut
I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom boom boom
"Hey" he said "Grab your things
I've come to take you home. "
(Back home.)

When illusion spin her net
I'm never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free
Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me
Today I don't need a replacement
I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom boom boom
"Hey" I said "You can keep my things,
They've come to take me home. "


http://petergabriel.com/video/peter-gabriel-solsbury-hill/

Rights

“It takes no compromise to give people their rights...it takes no money to respect the individual. It takes no political deal to give people freedom. It takes no survey to remove repression.”
― Harvey Milk

Today is an important day.

SCOTUS is hearing arguments on 4 marriage equality cases today. It's a day that could change the face of marriage equality in the US.

Marriage equality is an important issue to me. We have it in our state now and that changed lives for many people I knew, including mine and my wife's and my son's. It means a lot to our family to have the right to marry, and to be able to be visible legally on documents, in hospitals and banks, and in my place of work. Not too long ago, we were denied this right.

So SCOTUS is on my mind today as the listen to the arguments and try to decide what is fair and constitutional.

My mind is also with the people in Baltimore who are rioting against police brutality and institutionalized racism. Although I stand with my LGBT family on the importance of marriage equality, I am torn by the pull of the violence in Baltimore. Protests like this seem to bring the worst out of some people who generalize all people of color as violent, and who see no justification for the violence.

I am a pacifist.
I do not see a need for violence in my personal life and I would not knowingly support violence or participate in it. That said, I am human, and humans often use violence to resolve conflict, be seen, heard, understood. Violence is sometimes the only option a people has to achieve a voice in an argument or dispute. Police brutality is, in itself, a very violent act. Coming from the place of a "community helper" this is even more problematic. There is no one you can trust. How does one rise above this? When black lives do not matter to people in power, they are lost needlessly. How do you make your lives matter? Sometimes the only option is to riot. make noise. commit violent acts.

A lot of people will condemn the people in Baltimore for letting the protests turn violent, but I will not. When you push, jab, silence and devalue people long enough and then you kill one their people, it's unlikely that the people will turn the other cheek. In fact, that cheek is also already injured.

So today it's not only marriage equality. It's equality in general. And peace.

“All men are created equal. Now matter how hard they try, they can never erase those words. That is what America is about.”
― Harvey Milk, The Harvey Milk Interviews: In His Own Words 

trans i am

i am trans

trans i am



that trans i am that trans I am

i do no like that trans i am

would you like to be a man?

i would not like to be a man.
i would not like it trans i am.

would you like it here
or
there?

I would not like it here or there.


the struggle of the not sam i am character in the classic, green eggs an ham is speaking to me and inspired the blog name. for one, it's a killer blog name. but also, in the original, this character refuses something based solely on how they perceive it. Staunchly opposing it until they no longer can. They are backed into a corner with nowhere else to go to get away from sam I am.

this is where I am, with my own green eggs and ham (geah). Only for me, it's not geah, it's gender identity. am I butch or am I trans. what is the depth of my trans-ness?

Trans. I have long opposed it. I've put it in a box, with a fox, on a train, in the rain...and all along I have tried to oppose it. I can't be that. I can't be Trans. That's freakish. That's not what I have driven myself to be all these years, running like a fox camouflaged by my surroundings, both hunter and hunted. Like the classic character from Dr. Suess, though, I eventually stopped running and really gave it my teeth to see if it was as bad as I thought it was.

the results were similar, without the celebration.
Yes. I am trans.
Yes, part of me would like to be a man...or at least not a woman.
Here and there and everywhere.
But it's not that easy.

it's not a cold, old plate of green food that tastes remarkably delicious. it's a life. And it's not just my life, either. I am a parent. I am a spouse. I work. I support a family. I am 41, and I am just coming out as trans. (wait, or am I coming out as trans? Who is allowed to know and who isn't? Maybe I am not totally out as trans.)

What would my trans-ness mean?

stay tuned.  i don't even know.